i lack an “aesthetic” (and why that kinda bothers me sometimes)

via Daily Prompt: Gray

Everyone in the world is different.

We have our own experiences and our own preferences. We each have our own lives. But in many ways, we are all connected. Somehow we fall into many categories and sub-categories our cultures and our societies have shaped over our existence.

What I’m particularly pointing out is the sub-categories of pop culture and social identity that tackle social standing and self-perception. Mainly this is about “aesthetics” and how I try so hard to have one. (Right here is an urban dictionary entry that in my opinion, defines that word pretty well.)

Nowadays, aesthetic is something that people just…have.

And from what I gather, an aesthetic is something people can describe themselves with. It’s something that can sum up their life’s work, their personal interests or their personality with just an image, a word or a feeling. It’s something that can even be attributed to specific people and be deemed as a featured influence that can affect thousands of others.  I often wonder whether an aesthetic is something that people actively choose or if it’s something that we naturally form as we grow older and less self-conscious. One thing I do know (which I am very certain about) is that I lack any form of

One thing I do know (which I am very certain about) is that I lack any form of cohesive “aestheticism” or “aesthetic-ness” or whatever it is you call it.

I’m not saying that I am not included in any tropes, cliches or groups that we like to label and stamp on ourselves. Because I know that is a bit impossible. And because I know that is simply isn’t true. I also know that doesn’t exempt me from the conventional meaning of aesthetics in philosophy. Just ’cause that is also not true. While I do realize that something as menial as this “issue” doesn’t disrupt the balance of the world -it does make me feel lost and wandering.

And that’s why I’m currently in what I like to call my “gray area”.

Being something whole and solid and fairly put together is just something that I crave. And for some reason, I always think that having an aesthetic is one step closer to achieving that. It really, really, really bothers me. The fact that I don’t have something….”aesthetic-like” to present myself as or present myself with to other people makes me feel like I’m an amalgamation of everyone and everything I’ve ever seen and/or interacted with.

Being this gray doesn’t feel like I am trying too hard to be something I’m not every time I consider my thought-process or my likes or my outlook on life. It doesn’t feel like I can “stay true to myself.” How can I when i have no idea who “myself” truly is? It’s like being a kind of magnet in a hazy fog and what I’m doing is just carelessly pick up whatever I see and hear around me. Knowing I shouldn’t be too perplexed by all this makes it even worse. Feelings are the worst.

 


 

This is my first Post-A-Week blog entry for the year. When I saw the prompt for today (which would be yesterday because I’m super late with this) I just immediately thought: “Gray. Hmm….time to slowly write about a stupid downer topic no one really can relate to.”  Honestly, this can be a start of a series because there are so many things i like to rant about. Again, I don’t know WHY this bothers me so much and why I have to make a post about it (which was actually a little more than 700 words long). I just know that I feel so strongly about such an inane concept and that I feel envy pooling around me when I self-assess. I was originally going to file it under my Personal Essays Category, but I realized that I wanted a more uplifting tone to that section of my blog…when I get to it. (I also realized that this post isn’t actually an essay per se…so there’s also that.

This little section is just me, feeling the need to explain myself. (NEXT UP: more self-discovery chronicling!)