i lack an “aesthetic” (and why that kinda bothers me sometimes)

via Daily Prompt: Gray

Everyone in the world is different.

We have our own experiences and our own preferences. We each have our own lives. But in many ways, we are all connected. Somehow we fall into many categories and sub-categories our cultures and our societies have shaped over our existence.

What I’m particularly pointing out is the sub-categories of pop culture and social identity that tackle social standing and self-perception. Mainly this is about “aesthetics” and how I try so hard to have one. (Right here is an urban dictionary entry that in my opinion, defines that word pretty well.)

Nowadays, aesthetic is something that people just…have.

And from what I gather, an aesthetic is something people can describe themselves with. It’s something that can sum up their life’s work, their personal interests or their personality with just an image, a word or a feeling. It’s something that can even be attributed to specific people and be deemed as a featured influence that can affect thousands of others.  I often wonder whether an aesthetic is something that people actively choose or if it’s something that we naturally form as we grow older and less self-conscious. One thing I do know (which I am very certain about) is that I lack any form of

One thing I do know (which I am very certain about) is that I lack any form of cohesive “aestheticism” or “aesthetic-ness” or whatever it is you call it.

I’m not saying that I am not included in any tropes, cliches or groups that we like to label and stamp on ourselves. Because I know that is a bit impossible. And because I know that is simply isn’t true. I also know that doesn’t exempt me from the conventional meaning of aesthetics in philosophy. Just ’cause that is also not true. While I do realize that something as menial as this “issue” doesn’t disrupt the balance of the world -it does make me feel lost and wandering.

And that’s why I’m currently in what I like to call my “gray area”.

Being something whole and solid and fairly put together is just something that I crave. And for some reason, I always think that having an aesthetic is one step closer to achieving that. It really, really, really bothers me. The fact that I don’t have something….”aesthetic-like” to present myself as or present myself with to other people makes me feel like I’m an amalgamation of everyone and everything I’ve ever seen and/or interacted with.

Being this gray doesn’t feel like I am trying too hard to be something I’m not every time I consider my thought-process or my likes or my outlook on life. It doesn’t feel like I can “stay true to myself.” How can I when i have no idea who “myself” truly is? It’s like being a kind of magnet in a hazy fog and what I’m doing is just carelessly pick up whatever I see and hear around me. Knowing I shouldn’t be too perplexed by all this makes it even worse. Feelings are the worst.

 


 

This is my first Post-A-Week blog entry for the year. When I saw the prompt for today (which would be yesterday because I’m super late with this) I just immediately thought: “Gray. Hmm….time to slowly write about a stupid downer topic no one really can relate to.”  Honestly, this can be a start of a series because there are so many things i like to rant about. Again, I don’t know WHY this bothers me so much and why I have to make a post about it (which was actually a little more than 700 words long). I just know that I feel so strongly about such an inane concept and that I feel envy pooling around me when I self-assess. I was originally going to file it under my Personal Essays Category, but I realized that I wanted a more uplifting tone to that section of my blog…when I get to it. (I also realized that this post isn’t actually an essay per se…so there’s also that.

This little section is just me, feeling the need to explain myself. (NEXT UP: more self-discovery chronicling!)

 

reading through it all (what i’ve been up to)

Here’s my very first series..thing! Yay me!

So I haven’t been writing for a while (which is a bad idea I think I must avoid), because I have been doing a lot more reading than writing for the better half of the past couple of weeks  month. It’s not a totally bad thing to do,  and some say that it can be helpful in your journal-ing.

I picked up a book recently, and I haven’t started reading it yet because I easily get distracted into a story once it’s in my hands. When it comes to titles that particularly interest me, I just flat-out get absorbed into it. That’s the kind of reader I am. I tend to block everything out and nothing else matters but the book in my hands, and the world within it. It just happens to me and I know for sure that this I’m not alone in this odd bookworm habit. When you love to read, books can easily draw you  in.

Continue reading reading through it all (what i’ve been up to)

gugudan’s A GIRL LIKE ME [TITLE Review]

VIXX’s sister group gugudan  returns with a fresh sound through their promotional single, “A Girl Like Me” from their second mini album, “Act. II Narcissus”.

Continue reading gugudan’s A GIRL LIKE ME [TITLE Review]

Stay Out Of The Forest, Get A Job

As spring approaches, I’ve been doing some reflecting. Even though it was my first time experiencing it, winter was kind to me. And so far, I can say that March has been a very welcoming month. Which, I think is very appropriate because I am currently at a point in my existence’s timeline where I am (in some ways) restarting from scratch.

Continue reading Stay Out Of The Forest, Get A Job

Red Velvet’s ROOKIE [TITLE Review]

RED VELVET’S new song ROOKIE might not have been what we expected and sure–we could’ve all appreciated a break in between comebacks for the girls–but it actually does grow on you.

Continue reading Red Velvet’s ROOKIE [TITLE Review]