Well summer’s almost over (there’s literally just a couple of days left smh) and people are milling about, trying to painstakingly gather themselves before the inevitable thrust into busy days in the next couple of weeks. School, jobs and other various occupations. Folks may be feeling excited or nauseous—some even both. There’s a low buzz in the air that’s participating in the anticipation.
In another part of the world, some people are already in the middle of preparing for midterms and re-scheduling enrollments. They’re already settling into either foreign or familiar territory.
And back here, some very hard-working people haven’t really excused themselves from work at all.
As to be expected, life goes on and time trickles by before you can even say, “blink”.
One might think I’d be caught in the spin of hang-ups that come with this new season’s arrival, but as luck (or for a better explanation, attitude) would have it—that is not the situation I am finding myself in today.
And with great celebration too, no one has time to think about such things when you’ve got harsher things going on in the world. Because let’s remind ourselves here: we are not the center of the universe. Got that? Good, moving on.
I’m feeling good and surprisingly getting better at feeling good for some reason. I think it’s just the rainbow after the rain. In any case, I attribute some reasons for my presently sunny outlook to how my months went by since May (which was when I last sat down and wrote something more of an actual piece rather than rambling (which is funny because everything I write tends to be long and winded; mostly because I hardly make outlines and even when I do I get so carried away with freewriting that I lose track of my thought process and my output in general).
For the most part, the rest of my May and nearly all of June was time spent being an overly-enthusiastic participant in the Computer Boy ARG. Ever since she gained some traction last year (which was, coincidentally, the same time I returned to an area where there’s a stronger internet connection I could mooch off of), I have been just obsessed with That Poppy.
She simply goes by Poppy now, which was her first screenname to begin with. Dropping the “That” part makes for a considerably momentous creative change in the entire intriguing package that is her body of work. It was just some issues with her previous label (Interscope? Island Records? I kind of forgot.) for her Bubblebath EP, which features the hit Lowlife—the same song who’s Vevo Music Video ad revenue hasn’t been beneficial to either Poppy or Titanic Sinclair, her creative partner and director—or for their friend Matt Bennett (who I still love after all these years because he’s hilarious in an awkward way) who also makes a very brief appearance in said Lowlife music video as seen here.
So as I was saying, I was playing the ARG along with some very dedicated and purely awesome people who are just very fun overall. They’re also very perceptive and dig into too much of what doesn’t exist just like me (tinfoil hat and all) and just happen to be avid fans of Poppy. I’ve never played an ARG before (I missed my chance with the whole Dark Knight/Joker one….so sad, much tears.) and this one was really confusing and really complicated for me (I mean it still is; it’s not done yet I’m afraid…and we’re still in limbo for now.) and so I ended up putting on a lot of effort on this whole thing during what we call “Phase 1.”
I had a lot of stimulation and dare I say it, social interaction because of a damn ARG. I know that sounds a bit….sad, but it worked (in a way) and I’m not gonna fault it for that. Especially since after that I went on a traditional vacation and had plenty of human contact with actual, living, breathing humans occupying the same space that I did for the rest of the summer.
It all went by in a great big haze since I could hardly keep up with all the excitement. that’s what being unfit does to you. Honestly, I was in denial that I had gained some weight in just a few, short months. But after assessing myself in the mirror for far too long in the last couple of months I couldn’t deny it anymore. And thus began my adventures in healthy living. So far I’ve been treading lightly. The important thing for me to remember is that I’ve made some headway. (And it’s still going. We’re getting there.)
It was certainly a summer that made me uncomfortable in some ways, as well as make me try and manage to cope on the spot about certain things that made me miserable and relatively dead as a human. This prompted my previous post. (I recall writing this; but not really what I wrote about. This is why freewriting can be a pain sometimes.)
From then on I started being hopeful, redemption was a key part in one of my many epiphanies during the three months I was minding myself.
The months weren’t even that busy; at least in a sense that I would have liked them to be. Yet considering my track record, I’d say it was realistically unexpected and more than enough to manage for me. I’m just looking back and being a bit regretful of my performance from what I see. I guess I’ll always wish I would have been this or that; or done this or that during this day or that day.
Maybe the sense of regret will not truly fade away but instead turn into something that’s fading and crumpled away, still there but not floating.
But right now I don’t fully care to give a damn because strictly speaking, I’m on a nice, flat landscape here. I’ve gained a measly foothold in my world that I am truly grateful and blessed for. I do not like speaking too soon and being disillusioned but I can rest easy knowing that I still have faith in the truth that exists out there somewhere. The truth of my existence and how I can use it to steadily improve myself besides from my temporary outlooks. Which is honestly more than I can ask for.
Another thing that might’ve helped me was because I bought a shit-ton of books from Goodwill. Even though minor, I think that might’ve alleviated my disturbing and undiscernible urge to just buy everything. That’s the one thing I’ve had to keep pushing down and down again ever since moving away from all I’ve ever known. It’s so hard and I just can’t figure out why.
One thing I have to add though, is that it feels somewhat of warped version of the fictional tale of Anastasia. Only my version goes like this: “A journey to an unknown place puts a lonesome and hopeful young person in a confusing state of paralysis and anticipation.” Sure, it feels like you’re floating, but it turns out you’re just floating like a sinking boat. But the good thing about Anya’s (fictional) story is that it’s endearing and holds us close to being driven by aspiration and the desire for “home, love, and family”—which I cry crocodile tears about almost every night until I
fall asleep can’t anymore.
If any my previous yapping posts are anything to go by, then there’s definitely some strange kind of regret hanging on to me. I felt it went away for a while, when I was out of town, I guess that’s because I thought it was something to keep me occupied, my vacation, I mean.
If you listen to musicals, you’ll immediately feel so much better. You’re bound to find a belting moment song in at least one act in any one of them. For example: “What Baking Can Do” from WAITRESS the Musical by Sara Bareilles. It hit me straight in the gut, and made me feel all the feels.
I also swam a lot, which was very new to me as I didn’t swim too much back when I was still a student. Not even now I suppose. I am deadly afraid of the dark abyss that is the sea but still harbor an immensely challenging task of becoming a mermaid one day. It’s not a pipe dream per se, we have people who actually do it during their spare time. Some have even made it into a lucrative job! Who knows, maybe sooner or later I’ll be flipping my own fins. ( I know, it sounds ridiculous. I immediately regretted saying that.)
In other news, Thirty Seconds To Mars released this like a week ago or whenever and this has been my “Let’s Make This Day Amazing!” jam ever since I listened to it. A lot of their music has some “epic” tones to them and I really like that. Their music makes me feel really pumped up and ready to conquer anything. I feel the same way about Imagine Dragons.
I had a thoroughly enjoyed spending my leisure time mapping out the rest of my future (at the expense of my sanity) and even though it has led me to comparatively brighter things, I’d prefer it if my days were spend earning money rather than whatever I’ve been doing (My friend from high school calls it “bettering yourself”) and being a liability to the people I live with. It’s truly hard not to feel that way sometimes, but I manage to get over myself long enough to remember this clichéd but wise quote I came across some time ago: Your self-worth is not measured by others’ perception of you. That’s the closest to the original line that I remember. Maybe this is a sign that I now need more vitamins for memory loss and all that. Oh well, another item to add onto yet another one of my lists.
Be the change that you want to be; they say.
And what I got from that was, Be careful and try not to trip on your own feet. Trust your gut. You can do this.
In a couple of days, I’m going to be thrust into another dizzying situation that I can’t get myself out of. (Not that I’d want to, anyways.) Even though I won’t be truly alone for it this time, I still don’t wan to be a party pooper since I’m not at all good with social stuff even with the closest of my peers. I also don’t wanna end up crushed by people during a stampede. Admittedly, I’ve never been to a convention before (Boring wedding expos and serious journalism seminars don’t count in my opinion. But I have been to a book fair….where I just stayed in one room for one day.) where I have no plan and no goal at all (just a flimsy hope of seeing Danielle Panabaker, who I admired along with her sister Kay when I was a wee tot) and no extra room in my wallet to spend. Because I’m unemployed.
Let’s just chalk it up to having the jitters. I actually wanted to go to DragonCon last year to see the final panel for Grimm but that didn’t really work out but life has a funny way of making you do things you don’t want to and so I’m just pinning for the best.
I also want to go to Poppy’s first tour and it’s affordable enough but this time I’d be on my own and that’s fine I guess, I just have to get my head out of the clouds long enough to survive the hustle and bustle of the city for one night. (Note: this is not what #adulting should be. I’m already a twenty-something! I should have been prepared for these things a long time ago.)
Who knows? I might actually go there. Anything for Poppy. She’s like a vice I can’t quit. Along with my other vices. Cough cough. Ahem Ahem. We’ll just have to see. It’ll certainly be interesting. I’m thankful for the opportunity.
For now, it’s time for me to rearrange my room and its contents for the umpteenth time while listening to Andrew Sister-esque songs that I have no idea what the titles are so I can be productive today. I have an actual checklist and everything! Yay me!
Until our next sojourn,