As spring approaches, I’ve been doing some reflecting. Even though it was my first time experiencing it, winter was kind to me. And so far, I can say that March has been a very welcoming month. Which, I think is very appropriate because I am currently at a point in my existence’s timeline where I am (in some ways) restarting from scratch.
Last week, I had to run some errands, all related to forming my new life in a (relatively) foreign land. Going on these errands made me feel like an actual, proper adult. Which made me, to say the least — giddy with excitement at the thought of finally, finally contributing to society. (Well, something more along the lines of,
getting off my ass.) But in all my excitement, I seem to have forgotten that progress doesn’t always happen overnight; and taking giant leaps always come with responsibilities and consequences. Although I am lucky enough to have a roof on my head and have an accommodating family, I can’t just sit and do nothing and just waste my life. I’ve been wasting my life for years already. I can’t do that anymore. So to continue on, I have to make active steps in establishing a living here.
And thus the pressure to get a job is high.
I’ve had prior experience with volunteer work (though they did gave us a stipend that I gave to my mom). But other than that I have nothing to go on. The only thing that I’m remotely good at is writing. It’s not like I want a real fancy occupation, I just want to do something because I am at a standstill. And nothing bugs me more than feeling like I’m
a worthless schmuck about to burst from anxiety. All this….waiting is making me antsy.
My mom seems to be keen on getting me enrolled at a nearby college but for that we need…more money. And I’m not exactly in a situation where I can access enough money for school. All that I can say is that we’re not at a comfortable situation to begin shelling out money or start making student loans. My aunt says that I shouldn’t worry my head because it’s not like I’m in any hurry or anything. I should, instead, redirect my efforts into relaxing and meditating.
Although I really want to argue, I sort of agree with her. I have to enjoy this phase of my life where I get to enjoy and not stress out on real life problems relating to the adult world that we all dread.
I really should focus on self-care and work on my people skills. I don’t have to rush into things — and I guess that’s okay. I may not be extremely busy right now but they said when I eventually fall into step with the flow of life here, I’d be out most of the time. And tired. People struggle to make ends meet. Some people may not look forward to that, but I do. I’ve been anticipating the image of being a hardworking member of society so much that the prospect of being worn out from work sounds appealing to me. (Which, is honestly a thousand times better than being a deadbeat.
But I have to remind myself that I am not a waste of space and that I am just transitioning and not idling by. What I am becoming is a person who is more adept to their own desires and aspirations; a person who is going to be okay with being “just okay”. What I mean is that, I don’t have to be destined for greatness, and even if I am –it doesn’t have to be right now. I can take things slow and play it by ear. Or just keep on making lists. Point is, even if I feel like I’m under immense duress because of my sensitive, paranoia-filled brain–I shouldn’t make things more complicated than they really are. It has so many downfalls and I can’t risk turning into a bum in the woods who’ll eventually go crazy or die because of whatever potential energy I could share with the world. How exasperating that would be! And sad. that’d be really, really sad.
And as I’ve said, since spring (the harbinger of clean slates) is just around the corner, I have so many reasons to be thankful for making it through my first three months in a new environment and being able to sort out myself. I have such great difficulty with keeping my goals and thankfully that quirk about me hasn’t acted up yet.
(I better give myself a pat on the back for writing again hehehe.)
And yes, the title is a My Favorite Murder reference. “Get a job, buy your own shit, and stay out of the forest.”