[july log 1] is it possible for me to get a do-over?

Lots of people reminisce about the past. 

Lots of people would like to change their past if they could. If we could reverse some things, or maybe even alter it all completely, we all wish we could go back.

I am one of those people. I’m always stuck reminiscing about certain events and spend a copious amount of time on “What Ifs”. It doesn’t matter if I could never do anything about it now. It doesn’t even matter that there is no way to erase my memory of it. For one reason or another, I find myself thinking about things I should bury.

This past month I have realized that I am the biggest obstacle to myself. I’ve said this before, and I’ve known this for quite a long time now but I am the biggest burden I could ever carry around. 

My old, unloving and negative self followed me all the way here, to the new place I now consider as my home. I brought it here and began knowingly infecting the foreign neutral spaces around me and didn’t even try to stop myself from losing control. I couldn’t let myself have a fresh start of a clean slate. I just HAD to ruin things for myself and possibly sully what future I may have. This restart was the option I was looking for when I was experiencing hard times and yet—I have spread the gray, unwanted cloud everywhere and I fear that this might infect other people.

If there was one thing I could have controlled, (if control is an actual thing and not an illusion) then it would have been myself. My own mind. My own body. Because as much as I think my very life isn’t in my own two hands; as much as I think I can’t go any further down an undesirable rabbit hole; and as much as I think there is Someone Perfect From Up There who is looking out for me and will always forgive me— I could have stopped myself. 

I could have avoided this. I SHOULD have made a better, harder and more thorough effort not to let myself fall into the measly, sly hands of this world and the wrong things that it has shown me. 

And if I did, I wouldn’t be wallowing in a deep pool of regret, guilt and pain.

My heart wouldn’t be suffering and my mind wouldn’t be running a billion miles per hour in paranoia and anxiety if I had only managed to refrain from being the typr of person who I have never wanted to be; the kind that I used to be, and have now come to be once more. For all the fighting that I have done to combat this skewed shell of morality and fairness that I have lived with for most of my recent years, I sure did NOTHING to not let myself be led into darkness and tempted into accepting failure. 

My family wouldn’t be shaking their head at me, my soul would not be bleeding and my Father would not be crying so much for my sins. 

The shadows of my past tailed me all the way to the other end of the Earth and I let them decide my actions and let them decide my words. I let the cold, unfeeling numbness take over and dictate my days. And so far, even if it is only in a miniscule scale for some, I have let the damage become monumental to me, even if I’m the only one who knows this.

But my fate in this narrow path is not sealed. Nor will it ever be. I am choosing to believe that there is still a way and that I will somehow have the courage to FACE all the nasty things that I have done as a person and really LEARN from my mistakes. Change cannot happen overnight, only time will tell. I must be diligent in my battles and patient with myself. I must not be discouraged or intimidated by anyone or anything else; not even myself. I must be string and follow what is right to the best of my ability and strive for solid results that any man could be proud of. I must live with my shame but be able to brush it off at the same time. 

I am still young, and the road ahead is not clear. I shouldn’t hurry to tread through it. I will no longer stumble blindly, because I have hope.

I have hope that no matter how many times I fall and myself up— I wil not berate my entire existence. I will have a better attitude towards any type of sinkhole I get caught in— I won’t let fear and judgement pound my reasoning into whatever shape the bad part of me wants it to form into. I used ro call it being REALISTIC, the way that I just go through an unbearably long cycle of terribleness.

 No matter how many times I try to convince myself that after setting some goals I could be consistent with my rebirth, I know that one day I’ll be vulnerable again. And that’s okay. 

It’s “okay” to be human and “okay” to be weak. But what makes us who we are and what makes us stronger in all ways of life and living is our dedication and perseverance to always look up to Him and hold on to His teachings. These lessons will guide us and give us plenty of opportunities to wash ourselves clean like a newborn babe and be free of shame and misery.

I know the past cannot be reset but at the very least I have ways to soothe my sick and worried soul. The past can’t stop being in the past and erase all traces of abusing myself and others. The past can’t make my problems go away. The past can only help me with these things. I only need to achive success by how I define it. By what I make of this past. 

I don’t know when I ‘ll be able to trust in my heart and be able to get over my crap but I know I will be able to this and I am MORE than capable of turning things around.  I just know it’ll happen eventually; but I have to actively want it. I have to actaully put more effort work hard for it.

Because of all this I can smile a bit and breathe a sigh of relief. 

A do-over IS POSSIBLE, but not by how I particularly believe it’ll happen. Life is unpredictable and like really, really mean and scary. But not entirely umanagable, even through the crooked cracks in its foundations. At this point, I have not yet given up on what tommorrow brings. I have not lost complete sight of my way.

It’s honestly a bit hard for me, whenever I pump myself up like this. I feel unconvincing. I feel inauthenthic, I feel like I’m not genuine. 

This is where I have to learn to get past all that. I owe it all to myself, to the people who have taken care of me and to the Big Man Upstairs to clear this all out. I can’t  say for sure that I’ll totally stop being wishy-washy about my feelings, or to stop posting them here for me to mull over some day—nothing is that simple for me. But if I try to think the opposite way, I might have a chance of surviving. I might have a chance of actually being triumphant.

This has been me, going on a tirade at 4AM about how I pretty much sabotage my life and how I crave thicker skin and a shinier outlook. 

This is totally unrelated but, the next post may or may not be about Red Velvet. (But I feel like it’s gonna be.) 
Ciao,

~Greta~

BookTubers To Watch Out For This 2017 (Even Though It’s Already May)

I know we’re almost halfway through 2017, but I thought it would be nice to compile a list of BookTube personalities that other people might want to go and check out.

See, I don’t really venture out to religiously watch BookTubers as I do with Dan and Phil, Janna Tew and The Pin-Up Companion. So I see this as a way to discover new people who might give me new recs for reading and book subscription boxes.

Continue reading BookTubers To Watch Out For This 2017 (Even Though It’s Already May)

check this out: HITCHHIKER (if u like talent click plz) [TITLE REVIEW-ish?] idk wat dis is

I just woke up and immediately opened YouTube (as one does) and I was greeted by the sight that is a notification from the SMTOWN Channel that a new single for their ‘STATION Project Season 2’ was just released today.

I usually skip the main STATION releases (ones that have their bigger artists featured in them) and so it made sense that I was about to scroll down and ignore the video (it had TAEYONG’s name in it…he’s from the newer boy band ‘NCT’ that has like, a gazillion sub-units that basically has all the same members in rotation) until I saw ‘HITCHHIKER‘ in the title. I clicked because I have not heard a new release from him since September and I needed more weird tunes to add to my Sounds Of Life Playlist–which is just dominated by hipster avant-garde music label genre PC Music and Alice Vicious (She was previously known as ‘LiVii’.)

Back to what I was saying, Hitchhiker is a producer for SM Entertainment and has probably written a lot of your bias’ favorite songs. If I’m not mistaken, he made a song for Girls’ Generation. So anyways, he makes these weird and really awesome songs and if you’ve heard of him, you know how quirky his songs as are.

Back in 2014, he released the single “Eleven” with no fanfare or promotion through SM. This oddly terrifying and addictive song was one of the gems that signaled SM’s true departure from being known as a “K-pop idol big house” that dashes out hit tracks with ultra-mega-catchy hooks.

Fans were surprised and a bit worried because they didn’t get to see their oppas’ or unnies’ new music video. Instead, their eyes (just like mine did) feasted on this:

3D graphics that were dancing all over the place and the realism of images edited into the video really hooked me in along with that ‘wawawa’ that turns out to be his (then) three-year-old daughter. (The thought of f(x)’s Krystal doing this originally made me laugh so hard.)

He also had these other singles promoted through SM, ‘cept for that second one –which may be familiar to some people since it was used for a show (???). I’m not really keen on that since I just scrolled through the highly-acclaimed YouTube comment section. Obviously, I did almost zero research, I’m totally just going with what I know. This bit of info doesn’t really matter, what does matter is the music and visuals these awkward 3D renders are serving:

As always, detail and editing’s fun and really varied between all of his four music videos. It’s not boring, and they’re all really interesting to look at. Mostly because you can’t look away. Your head is too busy processing the tin foil man breakdancing on your screen. I honestly can’t get enough of it. I’m trash and this ISN’T trash music, but I’m totally trash for it.

The one with Taeyong is called “Around” and the most refreshing part of this was the inclusion of a more prominent human life form in the scenes as opposed to humanoid characters mixed in with a crowd or lone strangers for three minutes. At least that’s what I think. Also, I think this is the only Hitchhiker video where they actually put effort to put an actual description int the description box. Huh.

My favorite part if at 0:52; that Google street view illusion made me smile. Because I am a goof. That’s why.

Also, if anyone wants to check out the hidden underrated masterpieces in the Station line-up, the here’s the official playlist on YouTube. I recommend skipping all the boring ballads for a moment and come back during your downtime to listen to them. ‘Cause that’s what I do. For real though, the STATION tracks are nice, and the project shows immense potential to “branch out” and (in a way) break barriers that categorize all Korean music as idol music and hinder recognition for artists that should be taken out of that mishmash of a “genre” that is Kpop.

This has been your weekly dose of kpop trash, from a person who advocates bombarding NBC about #Powerless and believes that aliens do exist.

Memes make me relevant,
Greta

Some Fresh Upkeep (i couldn’t think of what else to call it so i guess that one’s gonna stick)

So y’all know the useless, uninteresting, and tasteless space that most blogs have somewhere on the sides of their blogs? Yeah, that space on the side (either shown on the left or right) that is standard for some blogs but are sometimes more of an eye-sore than a real help to viewers of a blog?

A sidebar.

Most people fill their sidebar with buttons and links and a complete cloud for all their tags. But not me. I don’t have any of those things. I also can’t draw for shit so a button or signature is currently out-of-the-question. (My boring blog logo will attest to that.) Point is, you see a fair amount of junk and info on there. My little sidebar was a bit bare, so I thought it needed a thing…or two.

I will probably do this until I get a better grasp of what this blog would be like in the future, from a design standpoint at least.

So here was what was on it/ what it looked like last month:

~APRIL~

RANDOM GIF OF THE MONTH:

yayomg-toothless-pin-down-httyd-gif

MY CAPTION:
“These two are just so adorable XD (Anyone else binging on HTTYD like a 10-year-old? No? Just me? Okay then.)”

I finished all four seasons without realizing that I already finished ALL FOUR SEASONS. The first night I literally watched it until morning (yet another bad habit, I know) and maybe finished the series for like…a week after maybe.

Unlike ‘Trollhunters’, I watched the whole thing. I still haven’t finished TH and I don’t remember what episode I was on. I remember watching the entire first season and then realizing that it wasn’t over yet and there were more than just thirteen episodes to the first arc despite the story seemingly closing that part of….What’s-His-Face’s journey as the first human troll hunter.

I actually like the Trollhunter series…it just seemed to drag on from that part where they destroyed the thing that was very dangerous and got rid of the big, bad guy. That’s pretty vague, I know but….I’m trying to be spoiler free here. It’s not really my forte and usually, I just ruin shows and movies for lots of people without meaning to. This is me trying to prevent that. And so far I don’t think I’m failing.

They may not be working on another season though since How To Train your Dragon 3′ will hit cinemas in 2019 (I think). But DreamWorks is like a reaaalllyyy big company that’s doing a lot of other projects so if they are going to make another season for Race To the Edge and I just haven’t heard of it yet (which is most likely the case)–they may be working on it as we speak.

I also just realized that I learned how to speak pig latin from these books…meaning I actually read them before there was even a movie and just didn’t connect the two together. To be fair, the Hiccup I vaguely remember was like, seven or something. I only read two or three books from the entire series; most likely not in chronological order. The reason why I remembered was because of that episode where the twins speak what they coined as “boar latin” and (sorta) understood what they said at the same time I was having a micro-flashback.

RANDOM  MUSIC VIDEO OF THE MONTH:

There was more space so I wanted to share the masterpiece that is IU’s “Palette”.

MY CAPTION:
“PALETTE (featuring G-Dragon)” is an aesthetically pleasing and mellow release by IU following her previous declaration of maturity in “TWENTY-THREE”.

Here’s her comeback stage for Inkigayo on SBS:

For more of her epic wall dance, her other live stages are here, here and here. OH and before I forget, here’s an artfully-executed fanmade MV by Thien Dam that truly captures the original:

I’m not the biggest IU fan but I do love a lot of her work. I discovered her through ‘Marshmellow’ (Is that how it’s spelled? I don’t know anymore.) but I didn’t really like that one. ‘Friday’ is the single she released that I mostly replayed.  Honestly, I just didn’t know what to put there so I kinda just went with it. But then I realized I was so late in raving about ChungHa‘s ballad so I put it on my sidebar for this month.

 

~MAY~

RANDOM GIF OF THE MONTH:

Since I already finished Dragons, I wanted to find a new and funny gif to display. I ended up with a gif of Cyd and Shelby from one of the silliest shows that I absolutely adore, Best Friends Whenever. (…that I just found out was canceled back in December but just announced two months ago.) Maybe I should just stop with the clingy attachment I always develop towards my favorite shows.

RANDOM  MUSIC VIDEO OF THE MONTH:

I’m really late on releases and things. I never really intended to have the videos featured to just be K-Music but I don’t really go out of my comfort zone to be a fan of the artists as opposed to being a fan of their work outside of Central Asian mainstream pop music.

Anyways, ChungHa came out with her spring song ‘Week’. She’s my fifth favorite (though that isn’t a fixed position as I tend to stan I.O.I members “just because”. (If anyone must know, SoHye is my NO.1!). I absolutely loved her in the show’s ’35 Girls, 5 Concepts’ round with Pinkrush.

I also don’t know what else to put on there so I’m just messing around with the free basic features of this theme (which I promptly forgot the name of).

 


 

So that’s my update, a new series of blog posts to work on when I literally have nothing creative to say. Since I’m very lazy it’ll just be changed from whatever it is now to whatever it will be next every month.

I’m excited that I began this week….THIS DAY with another post that’s totally not proofread!!! My titles are a bit…tacky and don’t contain relevant buzzwords that pertain to what the actual content of the post is.

I notice that I have established about maybe….two? three? kinds of posts here that fall under the three non-specific categories I conjured up here on my blog. I do know that posts come in different forms and not all of them necessarily contain words or any text. I could start posting collages or whatever. However, that defeats the purpose and name of is blog which is “A Blog That Writes…”. Sucky branding, some might say. But it was the best I could come up with and went with it.

That’s it for me this Monday. If you took the time to read my post and managed to stay in one piece after all that, then thank you very much, kind reader. I really don’t know how I’m getting views and visitors on this blog whenever I don’t have a post scheduled.

Until the next one,

~~ Greta ~~

i’m posting about 13 reasons why while it’s still relevant (+ 2004’s speak & nbc’s powerless)

To be clear, I know shows like Thirteen Reasons Why would be relevant as long as there are humans on this earth. If somehow that doesn’t happen in the future, then that means we’ve achieved a perfect utopia where there is no good nor evil. Just commonwealth and order and all that nice, perfect stuff.

My original intent was to write about my favorite show of ALL TIME, Powerless. NBC has so kindly decided to take it off the air for an indefinite amount of time…with only three episodes left. THREE EPISODES LEFT. TRES. just three weeks more. People are already salty about how NBC cancels shows prematurely and it’s not any different for fans of DC Comics’ first-ever comedy. AND THEN THEY DO THIS SHIT. I have to remember to breathe…and relax. I’ll make a separate post about it because stuff like this upset me.

I also found out about this maybe 15 minutes before 8:30 (which is its usual timeslot during Thursdays). And my heart is just so devastated. I have to stop now and actually put my sentiments on that other post; which will have a more specific and….”realistic” (???) tone to it. Now on to the actual subject of this post!

So let’s talk about Thirteen Reasons Why.

It’s a show that is receiving a lot of hype. I personally haven’t watched it yet…and for the time being, I don’t intend to–mostly because I have already read the book and know that the story is really heartbreaking and heavy and I just can’t see myself watching it right now.  I do remember that I did like the book and for a while, it was one of my favorite YA books of 2012-2013 (It was originally published in 2007.) Back when I read it I just borrowed a copy from my classmate and I could not put it down. It was really intriguing and it was a book that was so cleverly executed and it was maybe more intense as other books like it that came out at that time.

The story definitely stood out for me and I like stories where you have to read every single page and absorb the events and viewpoints of the characters as these events occur to make sense of the ending. The main takeaway I have for Thirteen Reasons Why was that it would be one of the books I would definitely go back to. Something that I’ll do once I have enough funds to start buying an e-book version. I just don’t have enough to start buying books that cost me over $3 (which is something that I’m sticking to for the time being).

As for the show on Netflix, I’ll add it on my To-Watch List since it is about mental health. I love books that advocate for it and books that keep the ball rolling in terms of discussing sensitive topics with a lot of misconceptions such as mental health. I like the cast, I’m only familiar with the leading man but I haven’t seen the girl who plays Hannah Baker. She does look mysterious as you think a character like Hannah would look like. It’s definitely her eyes. And I guess, (more importantly) her voice since the premise of the show does revolve around 13 cassette tapes.

What’s even more interesting about Thirteen Reasons Why is (from what I remember) how you’re tuned into both of the lead characters’ point-of-view and narration. It adds a different level of depth to it that strikes the audience as they go along with the story because of how much Hannah reveals and how much Clay investigates on his own. Evidently, for a show to work, the producers and writers need to change a few things.

I know many people are also raving about the visual aspects and how dark the entire thing is for a teen book/show. They’re saying it’s too negative and can impact so many kids. The thing is, taboo topics like these are very real. And relevant issues need to be voiced and be acted upon. Though we live in an overly-saturated world where so many people today complain about everything and anything under the sun, tragic topics like this should be given a chance to be properly presented and appropriately shared.

I have my own reservations about it even though I’m (sorta?) part of the demographic TRW targets. So many parents are on the fence about explicitly exposing their children stories about suicide, bullying, and depression, since many think this will become a, means to sensationalize and tempt the young, impressionable people of today into doing things they shouldn’t do (if they aren’t already). Knowing that makes me feel like I shouldn’t spread even more awareness about the right topics in a (slightly) askew way…like maybe supporting shows like Shadowhunters, Riverdale and 13RW is somehow giving others more opportunities to be misinformed or triggered. Being responsible for others’ perception of media and its contents isn’t my concern (as it shouldn’t be) but personally, it makes me more cautious about what I choose to consume and promote publicly as a precautionary courtesy. It’s probably just a thing that I do but in my opinion, it’s being a little wiser with what I read/watch/listen to. I’m not saying I’m a squeaky clean person and I do prefer cop dramas and shows with a bit of edge to nonsensical variety shows. But I do know what I won ‘t be picking up and adding to my library anytime soon.

Being responsible for others’ perception of media and its contents isn’t my concern (as it shouldn’t be) but personally, it makes me more cautious about what I choose to consume and promote publicly as a precautionary courtesy.

It’s probably just a thing that I do but in my opinion, it’s being a little wiser with what I read/watch/listen to. I’m not saying I’m a squeaky clean person and I do prefer cop dramas and shows with a bit of edge to nonsensical variety shows. But I do know what I won ‘t be picking up and adding to my library anytime soon. (I’m looking at youFifty Shades of Grey).

I do have a few things that kinda makes me lowkey excited about this series. Many adaptations tend to stray away from the source material.  (As I’ve mentioned above.) It’s good that Selena Gomez made sure it would turn out as close to the book as they could possibly get it…according to the internet. I still haven’t watched it, just in case anyone forgot. It’s definitely for mature audiences…but maturity is not always conventionally the same for everybody. It’s a deep dive into someone else’s spiraling mind and it sure does give you some association with the story and the characters. I don’t know if that’s a bad thing or a good thing…it seems like it’s a case-to-case basis. But it sure does look like the odds are in the show’s favor since rumors of a Season 2 has been flying around. I’ll try to watch it before then.

 


 

I didn’t expect to make another post until next week but life always has other plans for us.

If you’re not ready to take a dip into tales about teenagers killing themselves and leaving morbid and complicated suicide notes, then I have a suggestion that’s somewhat related to TRW.

I highly recommend Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson. It’s just as harrowing as TRW (if not better). It’s also sensitive and for 2004–I could say it was very taboo and this was a book that felt like it needed to be written about. The story itself is really heart-wrenching and it’ll make you sob so many tears (SO, SO MANY TEARS) and feel so very, very angry at the world.  The writing is very well-constructed and it won awards as well. This book also has an adaptation, a movie that stars Kristen Stewart as Melinda Sordino.

This is where I confess that I am a KStew fan. I’ve been one for the longest time. Like everybody else, I discovered her through Panic Room and then saw her again in Speak and The Cake Eaters (which I don’t think I was allowed to finish) I also loved her in Zathura. It was funny because I didn’t really notice it was her because my attention was solely focused on Josh Hutcherson; whom I’ve had a crush on since I saw him play Gabe (???) in that movie with that girl playing Rosemary Telesco. There was also that movie where she was blonde that I would just watch because she was blonde in that movie. It was also a slightly heated movie but I was a little older by then; I just don’t remember when that was exactly. I thought Kristen’s paranormal thriller film The Messengers was going to have a sequel but I never heard of it again.

I’m literally off-topic now and I’ve been rambling on and on. There’s more to come since I still have to angrily write make my protest to NBC for setting my favorite comedy up for failure. On a side note: I didn’t use a fudge ton of strikethroughs for this post. That feels kinda great.

I’m off to go cry salty baby tears now. Until then.

-Greta

 


EDIT: (4/28/2017) Never post things at 2 AM. You’ll be groggy as hell. Oh, and remember to ALWAYS PROOFREAD PEOPLE! I don’t even know how I wrote almost 1700 words in one sitting. That only happens when I write short fics!!!

What they’re all saying must be true then–blogging has a tendency to make changes in your habits. For the first time in MONTHS, I can say that I’ve never been more productive and inspired as a writer.

Maybe all I needed was to talk about possibly triggering Netflix shows and KStew. I think I learned a little more about myself. Huh.