Get This Bread 2k19! ๐Ÿ’Ÿ ๐Ÿ™ ๐Ÿ’Ÿ ๐Ÿ™Œ ๐Ÿ’Ÿ

We’re being aggressive this year.

For now, I’ve had this space as a kind of place where I update about my personal life and what I’m doing, or feeling and what I’m interested in. It’s been two years now; and I’m nowhere near my initial goal of what I envisioned this space to be.

I had a clear perspective of what I was going to do, and I wanted to do my absolute best to get the results that I wanted.

But of course, life get’s in the way of things. And there’s also Laziness and it’s cousins: Discouragement and Anxiety. If I were to be honest with myself I would say that I just completely forgot that I had a blog in the first place.

…plus I fumble here and there.

As evidence from my recent posts, I’ve tried to get back up again and try my hand at the whole blogging/writing/creativity game. I’ve been in it my entire life and yet I don’t seem to be getting anywhere that I want to be.

Now’s the time to change that.

I know we ALL say that, “This year will be my year.” or the more compelling line of, “New year, new me.” But really for me, it’s justa go-or-no-go situation I have to stop wading in. I’m practically neck-deep into young adulthood and STILL I’ve been compromising myself because of my inability to connect, let go and be kind to myself.

No matter how much I think that I am well-versed at consuming self-help and self-care — the not so surprising revelation is: I wil never get there.

Hold your horses — no cause for alarm here.

I will never get to the point where I can dust my hands off, lay back and say that I’m fully capable of being a normal, member of society that is so over and done with LEARNING. Because, that’s what being careful and considerate of your own self is — an ardous process of continuous growth and development.

It’s one helluva thinkpiece.

And as I just said, no mater ow far I’ve climbed, no matter how tired and pained I already am, it’ll just get rockier and colder and more exhausting. Because it’s bound to be like that. Because, unltimately, that’s what life is.

This fight will have to go on if I’m to let my hair down and do more than just survive.

And even though I’m never alone in my battles, the rest of the way it’s just all on me. In the past I’ve felt so jaded because of how lonely and isolated and just BETRAYED I had felt about life and other people. Yet as I write this, I realize how hungry I am for my independence and my stability. And I think this blog might be proof of that.

My silent tears still manage to escape sometimes.

Overall, when it comes to my passions, the fire inside me that has been dampened and weakened over the years hasn’t been showing any signs of slowing down or burning out.

Which surprised me because I had long wanted to delete myself from existence and just forget that I am just a mortal with hopes and dreams just like the rest of the world. It surprised me that I could be this actively fiery person — a go-getter. Someone who doesn’t shy away from the spotlight nor the bright opportunities it may provide along the way.

I won’t lie and say that I don’t worry nowadays because I still feel fear about my future and my insecurities. they’re just there, at the back of my mind, hanging around all the time.

And I think to some degree, I’m okay with that now.

It’s a wonderful new year, and I have loads of things lined up in my head already. I better be good to the universe and respect who I was 2 years ago; who I was 8 years ago; and who I am currently.

I have strength I barely know.

I always feel more refreshed every new year that comes knocking on my door and it just SHOWS. I just can’t help but feel all positive and great about all the really boring and really uninteresting things I may end up doing this 2019. I’m just really pumped up right now.

Which is a win-win for me and for everyone in my circle. And that’s really all I could ever want for everyone, really. I feel that that is something I should be immensely proud of.

Bon Voyage, 2018. I have to thank you because you were very good to me. Here’s a toast to you, 2019! You better watch out cause I’m gonna shake it up this time around.

Be merrier, be more accountable. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

๐Ÿ’Ÿ๐Ÿ’Ÿ๐Ÿ’Ÿ

Cheers to all,

Greta

๐Ÿ’Ÿ๐Ÿ’Ÿ๐Ÿ’Ÿ

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HIYA THERE 2019!

Hello blog, it’s me again.

I just wanted to update you on the things that I’m going through right now.

First, I want to preface this by saying that I used to think entries like these are unimportant, and I guess a bit too self-indulgent or maybe even bothersome but who am I kidding, it’s a blog on the internet.

Nobody’s gonna see this. (That was my attempt at a self-depreciation joke. (And it was a poor one.)

At the very least, it might be quite some time before any of my friends and family see it. Which is okay for me because, as you’ll see later on, I’m just too confused and detached from reality that, if they see this — I might not be able to handle their reactions.

So to better understand what exactly am I going on about, I’ll start from the beginning; using what I hope are simple words and sentences to make my story clearer, and go on from there.

I flew back to my hometown after just a year in America, with my relatives from my father’s side.

Technically, I should’ve never gone back in the first place but I had hopes of coming back and conquering my anxieties and just, overall get over myself.

As soon as I got back, I enrolled at my old school and continued my first year in college which I’ve been doing for about 7 years now.

What happened next is just, me trying to ignore that I should fly back and try my odds there, where I can be free and independent instead of here, where I am kind of free but solely dependent on the other adults around me.

All year long I’ve faced inquiries of why I was back and questions like, “But don’t you want a better life?” and I have always told everyone and myself that I was making the right choice to be where I am currently at because nothing is more important than my education, and that I am doing this for myself.

I worked hard on convincing myself that I am happier here and more myself here when in reality I just feel safer here.

There may be time when I wanted to break free and just be reckless but I keep thinking that I have to police myself.

I have to fix whatever mindset or habits that I believe are true, yet are more harmful and useless to me than I can imagine.

Let me tell ya, I’m not doing so hot.

I have a bunch of things to do and I am already tired of them and I don’t want time to go on.

Here’s my ‘TO-DO’ list this month: (BORING CONTENT, I KNOW.)

1. write and submit my overdue essay

2. make two narrative reports on 2 group activities that are also overdue

3. have my teacher sign my work hours sheet without him complaining (Which translates to: “Without me complaining to myself.”

4. clean up my cousins room, which I’ve polluted with all my shit (SIGHS)

5. do all my laundry because I hate the smell of clothes that stayed too long in the closet

6. take all my finals a day or two before everyone else

7. go to my mom and help her move houses
UPDATE:

I only did one thing out of that loooonnngggg list of RESPONSIBILITIES and just went abroad anyways. I’m flying back in about a week. And I haven’t done any “communicating” with the people I owe a lot to. So that’s something that I’ll have to put my big girl pants on for. With lots of prayers, I want to make myself more reserved when that comes because afterall, I’m an adult now.

It’s to be expected I guess.

I don’t know how to maximize my time with productivity so I can only describe my winter break as a kind of light-hearted, endearing vacation that made me more aware of myself and of others and how I can make myself more open…which means actually open to life and it’s workings.

I’m posting this entry now but I wrote it before I left so I’m already in the process of drafting another one.

WHERE HAVE I BEEN? (a short reminder to myself)

It’s been a hot minute, and I’ve only popped up here again just because of some things that might be coming up.

It’s hard to do things when you always expect just ONE outcome. Life doesn’t work that way and things don’t always go the way you think they should have.

I went back to the Philippines.

It’s hard for me to admit this and I still don’t know what the fork it is I’m doing. I haven’t gone back to the US since. I haven’t gone back to the US, yet.

I don’t know if I can still go back, or if I should stay here, or if I should just go there for a quick visit. I really don’t know.

I don’t even know WHY I left America in the first place because everything was going great.

Well, everything except my mind, that is.

Everyone always comments on how stupid and messy I am and how my actions are not reflective of a person of a certain level of maturity.

They say I’m too wishy-washy.

Which I am, btw. But that doesn’t mean I don’t meditate on my chouces and that doesn’t mean I exhaust all my options. It just turns out that the way I do things and the way I think are VERY different from how others, mainly how the people around me — those I really care about — think and see me.

Honestly, I don’t want to get into that too much right now because it’ll ruin the rest of my day and it will just be so stressful for me.

Instead, let’s try to focus on what good has been going on.

I’ve been to school. I’m still there. I finished my FIRST YEAR OF UNI.

After 6 long years, I finally finished my freshman year.

And now on my second year, I finally got accepted into the school publication. I’ve been coveting a spot since I was in like, high school maybe.

I’ve been more active in Church. Which is always a great thing, for anyone really.

Which brings me to the direction of this blog, mostly I’m gonna try to learn actual web design or whatever necessary because I’m just going to post my reflections about faith and stuff from lectures and weekly worship services.

So that’s going to be a thing.

And then there’s also the thing about my tumblr which I am not in control of anymore as I forgot my password (AGAIN!) ๐Ÿ˜ฆ๐Ÿ˜ฆ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

I also am using my other Twitter account and my first, @LovableBlurness is currently ia bec I’m too lazy to log in to stuff, which is why it took me this long to get on here. So I’m over @Gretechela now, fyi…that no one asked for.

Hope everyone has a great weekend! โœŒโœŒโœŒ

~Greta~

QUESTIONS (that are on my mind right now)

Where will I be good?

Where will I do good? The most good?

Where would be better for me, both short-term and long-term?

What EXACTLY is it that would be the best for me, in terms of growing fully to the potential I already have, and will have?

What should I do?

What should I already be doing? Is what I’m doing enough? When will it ever be enough?

Am I allowed to know?

What if what I’m doing isn’t right? How will I mend it?

Will I recover? How?

Why is everything so confusing?

Is it wrong to hope for something I thought I could sacrifice? Am I already regetting my half-hearted decision?

How do I know if this time, my heart’s in the right place?

How do I steel myself for what’s coming? How can I prepare myself for what’s up ahead?

How do I STOP my anxious mind? Will the worries go away?

And if they do go away, will that solve anything?

flight of the bumblebee

There’s this infamously cliche saying that goes, “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.”

Well, I tried to do so, but I grew impatient so I guess that means I didn’t try hard enough.

I thought that as I grew older, I would have all these experiences that would make meย mature. That’s true for everyone but so far for me it’s only up to some point.

Now, I have always perpetuated this cycle of self-resentment and self-blame but right now I am speaking truthfully when I say, without any doubt, that I am an idiot.

Why? Because I’m about to leave this new home to go back to a more familiar ground.

I’ve been didling about this for so long and, (just like the last time) everything was so rushed, that it didn’t occur to me how to keep my head leveled and to seriously consider my life in the future. This has lead me to see a slight miscalculation.

And for someone who seems like all she thinks about is her fate –this time I really messed up.

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I forgot why I even made my sacrifices the way I did when I first started venturing out on my own. I forgot why i felt so selfless and unburdened by my choices because I thought I was being very considerate and doing the right thing.

What was really happening was that I said yes to a decision I didn’t make and had very little input on and just went on my little merry way as if I hadn’t already rebuilt my life from the ground up so many time before at that point.

And shamefully, I have the gall to admit that that is exactly what’s going on now. You’d think I would’ve learned from my past; but this stubborn little chit has no common sense whatsoever. I don’t know what’ll it take for me to learn my lesson, but beyond right now, I have no notion of what’ll transpire after my return.

Once more, I am running blindfolded with my shoelaces untied and scissors in my hands.

Of course, I could blame myself for being so light-hearted and negative.ย I could dwell on how I never take the right paths whenever my life depends on it and how I inch myself, closer and closer, to a life of suffering and unnecessary conflict.

I could list all of the wrong things I have done and how it has all badly impacted me and others; cry myself to a nightmare-ish sleep but none of that would really achieve anything. All that will do is make me feel even worse. (And that is not ideal when you have a flight in less than 24 hours.)

What I’m mostly feeling now is, the rollercoaster of emotions you get when listening to “Flight of The Bumblebee”. With such a callous persona I’ve developed, this is what aptly comes to mind.

It is hard for someone who has already, by societal standards, come-of-age to adjust to a foreign life where anything and everything could happen and suprise you out of nowhere but I think that some deep, unrelentingly promiscous part of me has been so underwhelmed and uninspired by all the things I have done so far in my new life that it didn’t stop to think of just how to cure my boredom and loneliness.

When you’re all alone, you start to think of things as if they are all that you have and will ever have.

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Which isn’t true at all, had I persisted through, I would have made myself a lot of money and even would have found joy in a passion that I never even knew about.

I would have found a reason to stay put and launch my anchor down into my independence. Because that is what I have right now –all the freedom one could ever wish for.

I should honestly have no complaints to even speak of; but that is the problem with me. I always have a complaint. i always have someonething to cry about because I never had any experiences that prepared me for these basic things in life and now I ruefully wish for what I don’t have and what I may miss.

Even leaving has so much guilt and denial wrapped around it that I am already exhausted and just want this all to be over and done with.

I didn’t even manage to last one Christmas.

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And not to mention, the people I will leave and how I carelessly disregarded their feelings without cause or purpose and how recklessly I impose myself even as we speak.

These people have been more than kind, more than generous and more than happy to accept me as one of their own, and as I am.

I am aware of how it was also I hard gamble and huge undertaking my arrival into their lives was. I felt like an interruption, one that was benign and a lot to take on.

I know that my issues are mine to fix, and that even if I dream and dream of how I am going to find someone who’ll desperately need me and love me unconditionally –I have to be realistic here –such things don’t come true. And in a way, because of that, I have to make myself more acceptable as company and acceptable to myself.

Which is insanely difficult if you’re a difficult person to begin with.

They say that you don’t need other people to help you get through your shit but these past months, even with the blessing and generosity of a job and some minor occupations, I feel as though I’ve been tip-toeing on eggshells because I can feel my ill-self inflicting me from every possible angle. Trying to poison me even further even if i had convinced myself that I had made so much progress already.

I could feel myself slipping.

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I just know, that I can’t face all this alone. I need the circle that nurtured me and helped when I was in trouble. The circle that was urging me to come back before I even left. The circle that had so much going on about them that they could afford to spare me attentions that help in my making me feel less shitty and actually having me experience things I missed growing up.

Not to compare but here, I am treated like a princess. I do nothing and they ask for nothing and take care of all my needs and wants. They shower me with gifts and straighten my bended sides because I am the youngest and because they care for me.

But I need a special kind of attention. I need something that has always been elusive to me; the natural love and support of my own kin.

It was never given to me by either side (boohoo) and all my life I’ve been searching for a place where I can feel whole and needed.

Here, they might enjoy having me around, but they don’t need me here. Nobody even has spare time to entertain me any further than listening to me ramble on about my shit (which is more than enough; more than I could ever ask for) for five hours straight.

Because they have to rest. Because they have to breathe. They have to relax and enjoy their spare time not worrying about the pettiness that lived in their basement. I could never possibly expect them to give me the time of day (even if they do so willingly and without prompt) because they are simply to tired and I can see that. I know that.

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They aren’t my immediate family (in fact they were complete strangers) and I was handed to them a broken package and they embraced me but that doesn’t mean I should take advantage of that and drive them to tolerance of my depressing tendencies.

They shouldn’t be the ones handling this.

At least, in the meantime, I could focus and trying to take care of myself by myself because I will be surrounded by people who are in need of me.ย I feel that if I redirect my efforts towards the problems of others, I can better seclude myself from what I currently am. And even if not all repeated experiences are the same, I am taking my chances here by trying.

Which shouldn’t be hard because I got what I wanted, right? Not really.

 

As with everything, there are several complications and one of them is the miscalculation I had previously mentioned.

Everything I know is toatlly flipped, and now i have to learn how to deal with the consequences of not being a more sensible person.

When I end my trip, I’ll see where I’ll have to go from there. Liberties have to be taken into account and I have to prepare myself for al that. It isn’t something that I enjoy or look forward to doing, but with all the same things going on and on, gaian and again in my life…you’d think I was a sucker for paint like some emotional, ditsy masochist.

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Maybe I am. But that can be fixed I think. Or remedied.

I can escape this cycle for good and then I can finally go throught the normal, everyday problems of the common man and not worry so much about the problems that I have that I can honestly say are categorized into a “First World Problem” even if they keep me awake for hours on end and are frighteningly real and present; unlike my romantic fantasies of a life I don’t have the current capacities to acquire or even envision for myself.

And so for now, they’ll remain as what they simply are –fantasies.

When the time comes that I have the appropriate mindset to make them come true, I’ll just have to carry on with whatever comes my way. And that starts with my own buzzing; one that begins with making a trip halfway around the world once more.

~~ Greta ~~

 

 

the world is ending: soshi loses three more members

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I’ve realized that with the title of this post, it makes me look back at those fond memories I have back when I was in grade school and spent 30 minutes to an hour a day in an internet cafe.

Back in the days where solidarity came in the form of a Youtube video compilation of Girls’ Generation’s Sunny with her ‘aegyo cuts’ during variety show guestings, where your main source of fanworks was on Soshipopsย and the time when several online fan forums (likeย Sonems (Malaysia-based)ย and GGPH (now only on Facebook) opened and proactively flourished.

When everyday, I would rely on Sugar Apple’s diligence and visit Wonderful Generation and perused their directories and hungrily clicked on each and every headline that popped up on their homepage.

Wonderful Generation Subscribe

As hard it is for me to admit how much Girls’ Generation had made me the crazy weeaboo teenager I was, I have to be honest with myself and acknowledge it because of how I leaned on those moments to carry my through the moments when I wasn’t in school (not that I ever did much studying) or at church (…and it’s not like I’m super religious right now either).

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I miss the time when everyone used to dress like this.

It was the only thing that kept me alive and passionate: my love for SNSD.

It was concerning; since I was just a young, impressionable Filipina and wanted to be more socially-acceptable by being “in” the new, “New” thing.

And I went on like that, being highly defensive of how great the girls were/are as a group and as entertainers and as indivdual artists. I was a little girl who insisted everything that they did was pure perfection and even made a collage-folder for one of my fvorite classes consisting of my favorite images of them (which wasn’t that much since this was still 2008).

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Fourteen-year-old Me to my (slightly annoyed) classmates.

Suffice to say, it was a very, very interesting time in my life.

Right now, i can say that my love has somewhat tamed down…but I still love and adore them. My whole association with SNSD is the fact that they were part of the times in my life where i was discovering very new and very surprising things about myself that I would have never anticipated had it not been for my love of Mando-Pop (which was what led me to K-Pop in the first place.

I’m definitely a little late on the headline but, I just wanted to put this here because I want to somehow say how much I’m feeling right now – which is a combination of numb/heartbroken. I honestly can’t tell which. And that’s proably for the best; as I have much better things to be busying myself with. Namely, my new day job.

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I always wonder what my life would have been had if i hadn’t been obssessed with these nine girls. (Spoiler: I probably would have given up much sooner.) I can thank the wonderful community and the lovely people of the SNSD fandom….my fellow SONES.

They are truly the ones who have made the inclusion of Girls’ Generation (and maybe K-Pop in general) in my life. They have brought out the best and the worst in me; and these are the type of things I would never have realized I had in me in the first place.

I’m not devastated, at the very least not as I was back in 2014 with Jessica and Kris, (with yours truly bawling real-life tears for the later…which now sounds super stupid and super embarassing…which is probably why i’m sharing it on the internet) and this feels like it’s good.

In a way that translates to “I am a normal, functioning semi-adult in the real world.”

And hopeful it is a sign of more normalcy to come. It’s all I’ve ever wanted and maybe it’s time I adjust my pespective on what “normal” really is. Which is very good news to me. I am still figuring it all out, and up until a while ago, I was losing all my marbles trying to keep myself together because of the ceiling trying it’s hardest to close in on me. I’m not saying it’s totally over but hey -I’m giving it my hardest go.

Another thing this sudden piece of news has revelaed to me is that the girls are moving on to different avenues of their lives; attempting to do something other than what they’ve always known and are willing to gamble their careers for it. It makes me think I should adapt to the same kind of mindset. But I can’t say/know for sure.

What I do know is this, I should be proud of my girls and be looking forward to whatever may come and try to look wistfully back at the times these girls have made me laugh, cry and feel things.

And I honestly enjoy feeling things and being a real, live human. For reasons that still baffle me, SNSD helped me be all those things when I was younger.

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Whatever happens, I’ll be ready along with all the other sones and continue on chanting, “Right now, tomorrow, and until forever.”

 

~Greta~

the faces you make when reading a fanfic

This is just a short GIF compilation list of what I think are some of the more common “faces” or expressions readers make whenever they’re immersed in a piece of fanfiction or a new book.

Continue reading the faces you make when reading a fanfic